Life stages:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
* * *
Looking at your ex and thinking to yourself... "Was I drunk that whole relationship?"
* * *
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
* * *
- How are you feeling today?
- Like a tampon. In a good place. At the wrong time.
* * *
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
* * *
Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle... Gotta admire her optimism.
* * *
My lesbian friends asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
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