četrtek, 27. september 2012

Vicoteka #253

Officer:
-How high are you?
Me:
- No officer, its 'Hi, how are you?'



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Having kids can really strengthen a marriage. My wife and I never had a common enemy before.



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Ne maram folka brez lastnega mišljenja. Nevem no, kaj ti misliš?



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There are 3 sizes of condoms: Small, Medium and Liar.




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nedelja, 23. september 2012

Vicoteka #252


Life stages:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.



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Looking at your ex and thinking to yourself... "Was I drunk that whole relationship?"



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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?



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- How are you feeling today?
- Like a tampon. In a good place. At the wrong time.



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If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.



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Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle... Gotta admire her optimism.





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My lesbian friends asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.





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Vicoteka #251


I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.



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Taco Bell sells tacos. Whataburger sells burgers. Chicken Express sells chicken. Panda Express are lying bastards!



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Enim dol visi, drugim se pa jebe.



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"Biti mati je najlepši občutek na svetu."

Hm. Ampak si bolj vriskala takrat, ko sva se žgala.



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If weed ever gets legalized, the commercials will be so funny.



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You know you're screwed on a test when the Asian kid says "Shit!".



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Go to a store, pick out a box of condoms, and ask where the fitting room is.



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The girl next door to me has the biggest tits I've ever seen. Either that, or I need a smaller telescope.



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I like how ninja turtles wear masks to hide their identity. Its not like you're a giant fucking turtle or anything!



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If a midget smokes weed, does the midget get high or medium?



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Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously a girl because it won't let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.



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Boy:
"Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl:
"Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."



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Me:
"How do you spell HIV?"
Friend:
"H.I.V"
Me:
"Are you positive?"
Friend:
"Yes..... Wait, no..... Fuck."




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petek, 21. september 2012

Vicoteka #250

Srečanje alkoholikov.

Doktor za bolezni odvisnosti vpraša paciente:
"Žejnemu oslu ponudijo vedro vode in vedro vina. Kaj bo spil?"
"Vodo!" so v en glas povedali udeleženci srečanja.
"In zakaj?"
In spet vsi v en glas nazaj:
"Ker je osel."



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Smešne slike #245





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Vicoteka #249

Poznanstvo na internetu:
- Hi. Were are you from?
- Hi. I'm from Bosnia. And you?
- I'm from Germany.
- Sereš?
- Majke mi!



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Vicoteka #248

Najkrajši vic ever: Gredo trije lovci mimo gostilne.



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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door.



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My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film...



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Ojdip črncu: wassup nigga?!
Črnc Ojdipu: wassup madafaka?!



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Kako je bilo pri zdravniku?
-Super.
-Super, je res vse v redu?
-No, malo so se mi notranji organi premaknili.
-Kako to misliš ... premaknili??!!
-Zdravnik pravi, da so mi šla jetra v kurac.



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If you could choose between worldpeace and Bill Gates fortune, what colour would your Lamborghini be?



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No no... keep talking... I always yawn when I'm interested.



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What did letter O say to Q?
Dude, your dick is hanging out!




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sreda, 12. september 2012

Vicoteka #247


Medved se odloči da gre pogledat žlahto v Ameriko. Na avionu postane lačen in gre v pilotsko kabino pojest pilota.
Pilot:
"Ne mene, jaz upravljam avion, če me poješ bomo strmoglavili..."
Obrne se h kopilotu:
"Bbom pa tebe, umiram od lakote."
Kopilot:
"Ne mene, jaz pomagam pilotu, najmanj škode bo če poješ stevardeso!"
Medo odhlača do stevardese, z njo spregovori nekaj besed in gre sedet na svoj sedež.
Gre pilot čez čas preverit stanje v avionu.
Vidi stevardeso živo, medveda pa na svojem mestu in gre do njega.
"Kako to, da nisi pojedel stevardese ko si pa lačen za umret?"
"Ja, a pol bosta pa mene kavsala..."



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Vicoteka #246


Pri pregledu ženske pacientke, doctor pravi:
"Vaše srce, pljuča, utrip srca in pritisk so v redu. No, sedaj pa še poglejmo tisto fletno majhno stvar, ki vas ženske spravi v vse vrste problemov."

Ženska se nemudoma začne slačit …
Doctor pa ji to prepreči rekoč:
"NE! NE! Kar oblecite se nazaj. Samo pokažite mi jezik"



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Hrčka na vrtečem krožniku





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Vicoteka #245

Marinka in Štefan, precej škrt par, sta bila poročena že dolga leta. Štefan si je od nekdaj želel poleteti s starinskim avionom, še posebej pa je bil na trnih takrat, ko se je v kraju odvijal letalski miting, kjer so ponujali lete za 100 eurov.

Štefan je vedno prosil, da bi šel na let, Marinka pa bi odgovorila:
"Niti slučajno, 100 evrov je pa 100 evrov."

Leta so tekla in Štefan je ugotovil, da jih nima več veliko pred sabo. Zato je prepričal Marinko, da sta šla gledat vsaj preletavanja, in sicer z argumentom, da gledata lahko tako ali tako zastonj. Ko pa sta prišla na prizorišče, je Štefana zagrabila čedalje močnejša želja,da bi vseeno poletel tudi on.

Z Marinko sta se zato začela prepirati. Pilot, ki je imel ravno odmor, je slišal njun prepir in rekel:
"Poslušajta, vzamem vaju na en let in če nobeden od vaju ne bo niti pisnil, je let na moj račun. A če od vaju slišim samo en zvok, plačata 100 evrov."

In tako so odleteli v nebo. Pilot se je neprestano dvigoval, spuščal,delal loopinge, se spustil proti tlom tako hitro kot le lahko in se zadnji trenutek spet dvignil. A ves čas ni od potnikov slišal niti besede. Na koncu je priznal poraz in pristal.
"Presenečen sem, kako to, da nista niti enkrat pisnila?"

Pa pravi Štefan:
"No, enkrat pa sem se res že skoraj oglasil, ko je Marinka ven padla. Ampak 100 evrov je pa le 100 evrov."



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Primerjava cen: 1991 - 2011

Podražitve, da te kap




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Kako shujšati?





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Skrita kamera #43

Resnični Mr. Magoo





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Vicoteka #244


Chinese tourists must get annoyed when they buy a souvenir in another country, and then see it was made in China.



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When someone's breath smells, is it rude to throw a piece of gum in their mouth while they're talking?



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If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh?



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"We'll be just fine," said the unicorn, waiting for Noah's arch.



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Need an ark? I Noah guy.




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Igrica na semaforju

Medtem, ko čakaš na zeleno luč na prehodu za pešce, lahko odigraš igrico s pešcem ob semaforju na drugi strani ceste.






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S skirco v skate parku

Finta pri 0:52 je adijo pamet; pa pri 2:00 tud ni slaba; pa... Mah - vse so hude!




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torek, 11. september 2012

ponedeljek, 10. september 2012

Vicoteka #243


What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?
Throwing the baby off a cliff.



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Why aren't blind people allowed to fly planes? Because they can't see.



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Why didn't Santa deliver presents to African children? Because he doesn't exist.



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My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love". She just texted me, "Your grandfather passed away. LOL."



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I hate it when I don't forward chain messages and I die the next day.



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If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I can only hope that they split us up by music genre.



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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.



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Chris Brown hits her, Eminem lies to her, Drake can't remember her name = The life of Rihanna.



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Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.



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The world would be a lot more fun if people screamed whenever they yawned.



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If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless?



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If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.



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The penis is the lightest object in the world. Just a little thought can lift it.



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Knock knock!    JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES



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What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss? A STAB WOUND.




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petek, 07. september 2012

Vicoteka #242

Američan, Rus in Slovenec, pridejo pred Boga.
Američan:
"Kdaj bomo mi prišli iz krize?"
Bog:
"Čez 50 let"
Američan prične jokati in reče:
"Tega jaz ne bom dočakal..."
Rus:
"Kdaj bomo mi prišli iz krize?"
Bog:
"Čez 70 let"
Rus prične jokati in reče:
"Tega jaz ne bom dočakal..."
Slovenec:
"Kdaj bomo mi prišli iz krize?"
Bog prične jokati in Slovenec ga vpraša:
"Zakaj jočeš?"
Bog:
"Zato, ker jaz tega ne bom dočakal..."



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Smešne slike #243









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četrtek, 06. september 2012

Nespresso. What else? -- George Clooney

Nebesa - prva verzija


Nebesa - druga verzija


Nebesa - finalna verzija


In še ostale 3 verzije










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Vicoteka #241

Srečata se bivši in sedanji mož. Pa bivši pikro vpraša sedanjega:
"Kako je pa kaj znucana roba?"
Drugi mož pa reče:
"Prvih 5 cm, tko, tko... pol naprej je pa ko nova!"



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sreda, 05. september 2012

Vicoteka #240

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, floating in the ocean?
A victim of the increasingly violent Mexican drug cartels.



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Animirane optične iluzije





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torek, 04. september 2012

Vicoteka #239


My girlfriend is leaving me cause of my obsession with Africa. Uganda be kidding me, Kenya believe it? Well, it's Ghana be a sad break up...


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I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.


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Apparently, Twilight is "so popular" because teenagers can relate to it. Oh yeah, I remember that time when I was a vampire.


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Being in the friend zone is just like being front row at an awesome fuckin concert.... But you're deaf.



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Blond girl:
"What does idk stand for?"
Me:
"I don't know."
Blonde:
"Oh my God, nobody does!"



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Smešne slike #242

An irish wedding





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