ponedeljek, 23. september 2013

Reklama za delavno obleko






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Skrita kamera #54

Stop - I am gay





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nedelja, 15. september 2013

George Carlin: "We Like War!"






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Vicoteka #337

Having massive problems on the set of the Porn Film I'm directing..


"Never work with children or animals" they said but did I listen




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Ulazi čovek u kafić i naruči kafu. Konobar mu kaže:
- Nemamo kafu, može neko piće?
Čovek ga pogleda i reče:
- Nema kafe? Pa što se onda zove kafić - što se ne zove pičić?




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Generalni direktor javnega podjetja pokliče v pisarno enega od najbližjih sodelavcev:
"Dragi kolega, moram vam povedati, da ste kljub mladim letom napravili izredno kariero. Kljub nizki izobrazbi ste se kot pripravnik dobro izkazali, tako da smo vas že po dveh mesecih vzeli v redno delovno razmerje, kot vodjo skladišča. Ni minilo niti pet mesecev, ko smo vam že lahko zaupali mesto vodje prodaje. Po enem letu smo v vas našli najbolj primerno osebo za direktorja sektorja, ki smo ga formirali prav zaradi vas.
 Potem se je vaše študijsko potovanje po Evropi in ZDA pokazalo kot zelo upravičena investicija, ker sedaj o vas vsi govorijo največje pohvale..
 Torej, kot veste, jaz po sili razmer kmalu odhajam v zasluženi pokoj, zato sem vam hotel osebno povedati, da smo opravili potrebne konsultacije in da v vas vidimo najbolj primerno osebo, ki bi me zamenjala na čelu našega podjetja. Kaj mislite?"
"Ajde, foter, skuliraj se, sama sva v pisarni."




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I went home with a girl who's an amateur magician.


When she took off her bra, her boobs disappeared.




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I hate it when I don't forward a chain letter and I die the next day.




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Hey I just met you,
and this is crazy,
I have Alzheimer's,
Hey I just met you…




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Just wasted a whole day at the train station


The sign said 'If you stand too close to the edge of the platform, you'll get sucked off'




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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.



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“Oh, you're having a bad hair day? Well I'm having a bad face life.”




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I wake up everyday planning to be productive, and then a voice in my head says "haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.



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Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asks me, "What are you doing this weekend?"



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If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.





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četrtek, 12. september 2013

Vicoteka #336

Razred dijakov se je vrnil z ekskurzije po Angliji.
 Pri uri angleščine, učiteljica vpraša Janeza:
 - Janez, ali nam lahko poveš, kako je bilo na ekskurziji?
 - I'm not Janez. - reče on - I'm Johnny.
 - OK, Johnny. - reče učiteljica - Povej nam, kako ti je bilo v Angliji!
 - OK, - reče Janez - Zjutraj sem se zgodaj zbujal, tam nekje okoli sedme  ure, nato sem zajtrkoval, po zajtrku pa sem se ulegel na verando. Tam sem  ostal do kosila, po kosilu sem zopet šel na verando. Do večerje sem bil v  glavnem na verandi, tudi ponoči verande nisem zapustil. In tako iz dneva v  dan.
 - OK, Johnny, to ni bilo preveč zanimivo, reče učiteljica. No Verica,  povej nam ti, kako ti je bilo v Angliji!
 Verica:
 - I'm not Verica, I'm Veranda...




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sreda, 11. september 2013

Podobnost s sojenjem tajkunom

"Na uho so mi prišle govorice, da me žena Ivanka vara s sodelavcem Patrikom.

Slučajno sem v Patrikovem košu za smeti našel kopijo sporočila moji ženi Ivanki, s katerim se ji zahvaljuje za vse skupaj prebite urice v postelji, ter zahvalo moje žene Patriku za čudovite seksualne akte.. Ljubljeno ženo Ivanko sem doma kar direktno povprašal o teh prijetnih uricah in njeni zahvali, pa mi je odgovorila, da s tem nima nič, ter da Patrika pozna samo s slik.

Rekla je, naj ji povem točen kraj, čas in spolni položaj, da se bo sploh mogla braniti.

Bil sem togoten, zato sem v službi sodelavca Patrika vprašal, kaj se dogaja, pa mi je odgovoril, da je v odnosih z veliko ženskami.

Vprašal sem tudi pravnika Lobeta in odvetnika Tomaža, pa sta mi oba zatrdila, da varanja v tem primeru ni, ker ni znan kraj, ni znan čas in ni znan način njunega seksualnega akta. Podučila, sta me tudi, da so govorice in najdene kopije medsebojnih zahval za seksualne stike le posredni dokaz. Pridobiti da moram direktne dokaze.

Sicer so naokrog zakrožile tudi čudne fotografije, vendar sta me oba odvetnika podučila, da so posnete nezakonito in da zato ne dokazujejo nič. Oziroma ravno nasprotno, torej, da si ni zgodilo nič

Ker videoposnetka ni, priznanj žene in sodelavca pa tudi ne, sem ves zadovoljen ugotovil, da me žena ne vara. Razmišljam, kako naj se ji opravičim.."




(vir: via e-mail)



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torek, 10. september 2013

Vicoteka #335

Kako se zove Bosanka koja radi u racunovodstvu?  -  Sabira.

Kako se zove Bosanka koja uvelicava?  -  Zumira.

Kako se zove usamljena Bosanka?  -  Samka.

Kako se zove Bosanac koji ne pusi?  -  Nedim.

Kako se zove Bosanka koja studira na DIF-u?  -  Sadifa.

Kako se zove Bosanac koji pravi dzem?  -  Džemo.

Kako se zove Bosanka koja trazi nanu?  -  Đenana.

Kako se zove Bosanac koji nikad nije bio na Mesecu?  -  Munever.

Kako se zove Bosanka nimfomanka?  -  Nebira.




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sreda, 04. september 2013

Vicoteka #334

How do you get the attention of a group of Mexicans? You say, "Excuse me, can I have your attention please?"




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What did the Russian man say to his neighbour? Привет соседу.




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Why can't Michael Jackson play table tennis? Because he's dead.




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Why did the fish fall off the bike? Because it's a fish. Are you stupid?




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What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.




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What do you call ten black men running down the street? A race.




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What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.




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If there are 3 apples, and Johnny takes away 3 of them, how many apples does Johnny have? None, because Johnny got hit by a train.




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My friend thought that an onion was the only food that could make you cry, so I threw a watermelon at his face.




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What's yellow and really good at mathematics? A yellow calculator.




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What do you call a fish with no eyes? Amblyopsidae, or blindfish, commonly found in caves where they are well adapted to life in the dark.




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Why can't the T-Rex clap his hands? Because he's extinct.




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What do you call a deer with no eyes? Still a deer. The absence of eyes doesn't change the animal's species.




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A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar. After a nice evening, they all leave with a deeper appreciation for each other's religions.




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What did the polar bear say to the penguin? Nothing, they don't live on the same continent.




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A polar bear and a seal are sitting on an ice floe. The polar bear looks at the seal and says, "RAWRRRRRRRRRGGG" and then kills and eats it.




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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.




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Why didn't the Asian ask for a calculator? Because he was doing the dishes and a calculator seemed rather inappropriate.




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