Vicoteka #337

Having massive problems on the set of the Porn Film I'm directing..

"Never work with children or animals" they said but did I listen

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Ulazi čovek u kafić i naruči kafu. Konobar mu kaže:

- Nemamo kafu, može neko piće?

Čovek ga pogleda i reče:

- Nema kafe? Pa što se onda zove kafić - što se ne zove pičić?

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Generalni direktor javnega podjetja pokliče v pisarno enega od najbližjih sodelavcev:

"Dragi kolega, moram vam povedati, da ste kljub mladim letom napravili izredno kariero. Kljub nizki izobrazbi ste se kot pripravnik dobro izkazali, tako da smo vas že po dveh mesecih vzeli v redno delovno razmerje, kot vodjo skladišča. Ni minilo niti pet mesecev, ko smo vam že lahko zaupali mesto vodje prodaje. Po enem letu smo v vas našli najbolj primerno osebo za direktorja sektorja, ki smo ga formirali prav zaradi vas.

 Potem se je vaše študijsko potovanje po Evropi in ZDA pokazalo kot zelo upravičena investicija, ker sedaj o vas vsi govorijo največje pohvale..

 Torej, kot veste, jaz po sili razmer kmalu odhajam v zasluženi pokoj, zato sem vam hotel osebno povedati, da smo opravili potrebne konsultacije in da v vas vidimo najbolj primerno osebo, ki bi me zamenjala na čelu našega podjetja. Kaj mislite?"

"Ajde, foter, skuliraj se, sama sva v pisarni."

* * *

I went home with a girl who's an amateur magician.

When she took off her bra, her boobs disappeared.

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I hate it when I don't forward a chain letter and I die the next day.

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Hey I just met you,

and this is crazy,

I have Alzheimer's,

Hey I just met you…

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Just wasted a whole day at the train station

The sign said 'If you stand too close to the edge of the platform, you'll get sucked off'

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I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

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“Oh, you're having a bad hair day? Well I'm having a bad face life.”

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I wake up everyday planning to be productive, and then a voice in my head says "haha good one" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.



* * *

Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless someone asks me, "What are you doing this weekend?"

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If a girl bangs 10 guys in a year, she's a slut. If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.

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