četrtek, 31. maj 2012

Vicoteka #225

Dolazi muž kući sa posla, čeka ga žena na vratima u seksi donjem rublju i kaže:
"Želim da imamo filmski seks"
Bez riječi muž joj odvali šamarčinu, veže je za radijator, gurne joj ga prvo u dupe pa udri, udri, pa ga onda izvadi i išamara joj dupe, lupi je par puta kitom po glavi i svrši joj na čelo...
Onako rasturena i razbucana žena se nekako oslobodi, četveronoške krene prema kupaoni  i kaže:
"Mi definitivno ne gledamo iste filmove"


* * *


Sretne Mujo Hasu:
"Ej ba, priča se da si se oženio?
"Jašta, oženio se."
"A zašto, ba?"
"Pa nije mi se sviđala hrana u menzama."
"I, kako je sad?"
"Sad mi se sviđa."


* * *


Pokliče mlada mamica iz porodnišnice takoj po porodu svojo mamo:
"Mami, a se še spomniš tistega moškega, ki je bil na pustni zabavi oblečen v črnca?"
"Ja, zakaj?"
"Res je bil črnc…"



--

četrtek, 24. maj 2012

Vicoteka #224

Gleda Mujo plačilni seznam in komentira:

Ibro 400 €,
Meho 450 €,
Haso 430€,
Suljo 520 €,....
in tako po vrsti naprej …

Na koncu pa zakriči:
"A vidi ga ovaj Saldo, jebo mu mater, 25.000 €."



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Severni sij





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sreda, 23. maj 2012

Kam skriti alkohol pred odhodom na stadion





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Vicoteka #223

Trije kmetje se zabavajo:

"Jaz imam kravo, ki daje toplo mleko!"  je rekel prvi.

"Moja krava pa daje tudi čokoladno in vanilijevo mleko!"  se je oglasil drugi.

"Jaz imam pa samo staro kravo, ki mi kuha, čisti, lika in pere perilo!"  je povedal tretji.



--

Krasna predstava na monociklih





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torek, 22. maj 2012

Kje je kroglica?

Da boste vedl, zakaj ne morte zmagat:



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Vicoteka #222

Suljo se počeo baviti slikarstvom i svoju najbolju sliku odnese nekom galeristi.
- Nije loše, nije loše... veli galerista. A kako se slika zove?
- Mujo u Zenici
- Hm, a ko je ova gola žena na slici?
- Fata
- A ovaj što ju spopada je Mujo?
- Nije nego Haso
- A gdje je Mujo
- Pa, u Zenici...



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Smešne slike #205

Zabavnejši del  periodnega sistema.





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petek, 18. maj 2012

četrtek, 17. maj 2012

Slepota, ki jo povzroča premikanje

Gre za enega glavnih vzrokov, zaradi katerega lahko vozniki v avtomobilu gledajo naravnost v kolesarja ali motorista in vendar ga NE VIDIJO.

Nekdanji vojaški pilot imenuje spodnjo simulacijo izredno potrditev tistega, kar so mlade pilote učili v 50ih. Z očmi naj preletijo horizont, za trenutek zastanejo in potem postopek ponovijo. Vedno znova so inštruktorji ponavljali naj se med letom ne osredotočijo na kakršenkoli posamičen objekt ali točko za več kakor par sekund.
"Premikajte oči, vrtite glavo! To je najboljši način, da preživite v bitki in se izognete trčenjem v zraku". Dokler jih niso mogli potrditi z izkušnjami, so nasvetom preprosto morali verjeti.

Danes obstaja za potrditev ustrezna tehnologija, ki potrjuje tudi trenutno slepoto za avtomobilskim volanom.

Demonstracija slepote, ki jo povzroča premikanje (klikni na povezavo)

Pri osredotočenju na zeleno piko, bodo rumene na trenutke izginjale ne glede na to, kakšno velikost teh pik ali ozadje si nastavite. V resnici so rumene pike vedno na istih mestih, le oko ene, dveh ali celo vseh na trenutke ne zazna.




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ponedeljek, 14. maj 2012

Voda je zdrava





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Mačji perpetuum mobile

Kruh vedno pade na namazano stran in mačka vedno pristane na nogah. Če bi mački na hrbet pritrdili kruh, namazan z maslom, bi morala tako lebdeti v zraku in se vrteti.

 

Podrobnejši opis paradoksa o mački z maslom.




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sreda, 09. maj 2012

Spis pri nemščini


Nacht. Regen gehen. Zwei Partizanen gehen skroz šuma. Nicht gehen sondern plazen se pažljivo und lomen keine Grančica auf den podn. Schwaben sleden Partizanen. Schwaben haben Pesen und gute Schnellschiesgewehr. Pesen šnofen auf den Podn und sleden Partizanen.

Partizanen kommen do Kukuruzen. Kukuruzen gut fur schlafen und Partizanen umorni ko Majka. Partizanen malo horen okoli was dešaven und dann in Kukuruzen zaschlafen. Das nicht gut fur Partizanen aber gut fur Schwaben.

Kuku lele Partizanen! Schwaben kommen do Kukuruzen. Pesen divje šnofen und Schwaben gut wissen wo Partizanen in Kukuruzen schlafen. Partizanen i dalje schlafen ko Majka und ni slučajno ne horen Schwaben plazen prema njima. Odjedamput eine Kukuruzen poken unten Schwaben und Partizanen se odmah wecken. Sie zgraben Schisgewehr aber Schwaben Schnellschisgewehr viel besser. Schwaben ofen feuer direkt po Partizanen und Partizanen auch beginnen verderben neprijateljsku živu silu i tehnički materialna sredstava. Aber Schwaben pobeden. Partizanen obležalen in Kukuruzen. Partizanen nicht gut. Partizanen kaput!



--

torek, 08. maj 2012

Frutabela - plakat za pojest





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Pr' Hostar - 2.del





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Vicoteka #220

Se srečata siva in bela miš, obe shirani.

Bela miš pravi sivi:
"Ti si pa najbrž revna cerkvena miš, ka te je tko zjebala mariborska škofija!"

Siva miš malo ogleduje belo in potem reče:
"Ti si pa najbrž miš iz laboratorija?"

Bela miš pa nazaj:
"O ne, ne! Jaz  sem v bistvu polarni medved, ki je preživel Janševe reforme."



--

četrtek, 03. maj 2012

Vicoteka #219


Bio Mujo u specijalnim jedinicama u Vijetnamu.
Napravili oni čuda u Vijetnamu... vrate se u Ameriku, dočeka ih predsjednik i kaže:
- "Momci", vi ste stvarno bili super heroji, Amerika vam je zahvalna! Poželite što god hoćete i mi ćemo vam to dati.

- Što ćeš ti, John?
- Pa ja sam iz Detroita, volio bi neku fabriku automobila....
- Može, John !

- Ti, Mike?
- Pa ja sam iz Iowe, ja bi neku veliku farmu...
- Može, Mike !

- Ti, Mujo?
- Ja bi da mi za svaki centimetar od vrha mog kurca do jaja date po jedan dolar!
- Daj Mujo, kakva je to želja?
- Oću, bolan, tako!
- Ajd dobro, skidaj se!

Skine se Mujo, mjere ovi, stave metar na vrh, krenu prema jajima, kad...
- E Mujo... a di su tebi jaja ?
- Pa u Vijetnamu, jeb'o vam ja mater !!!!


--

Umor ali samomor?


At the 1994 annual awards dinner given  for Forensic Science, AAFS president  Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Now here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated from. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject' A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B'.

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr.Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

So the case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself,
so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.



Po internetu kroži to kot resnična zgodba. Vendar je vseeno malo preveč bizarno za resnico; je pa vseeno hudomušno in zanimivo branje.



--

Biblija in homoseksualnost

Mogoče se pa v današnjih cajtih Biblije vseen ni treba tok dobesedno držat, no.


In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: 




Dear Dr. Laura: 


Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. 


I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 


1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 


2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 


3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 


4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 


5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 


6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 


7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 


8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 


9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 


10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 




I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. 


Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. 


Your adoring fan, 




James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia





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Bon Jovi baby





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Vicoteka #218

Na medicinskom fakultetu pita profesor studenticu:
"Koliko spermatozoida ima u muškim testisima?"
"Gutljaj, do gutljaj i pol!"



--

torek, 01. maj 2012

GMR - Great Man-Made River - Libijski projekt oskrbe z vodo

Demoniziranje Gaddafija v zahodni tiskovni "kurbariji" pod geslom:
malo resnice pomešane z veliko količino laži, nas pripelje do jasnih zaključkov, kdo stoji za "Libijsko revolucijo".

Libijska revolucija je bila v celoti zanetena s strani svetovnih požigalcev v Londonu.

Zamrznjene milijarde v tujini, ki so bile domnevno privatna last Gaddafija, so bile v resnici denar, ki je pripadal libijski državi. In do tega denarja so se hoteli prikopati globalisti.

Kje bo pristalo domnevnih 70 milijard Mubarakovega dobro imetje v tujini? In v prihodnosti saudsko, bahrajnsko in kuvajtsko dobro imetje v tujini? Gotovo ne pri prebivalstvu teh držav. Seveda pa so še bolj pomembne zaloge nafte teh držav, ki bodo kmalu pod neposrednim nadzorom mesta London (City of London).

Gaddafi je (ali je bil) morda najbolj pomembna osebnost v severni Afriki, saj je svojo državo pripeljal na sam vrh afriškega kontinenta, ker prihodke iz nafte ni vtaknil v palače, jahte in vozne parke, temveč jih je investiral v svojo državo.

Vendar to še ni vse. "Zblazneli" Gaddafi je leta 1980 pričel z velikim projektom za oskrbo Libije, Egipta, Sudana in Čada s pitno vodo, ki ga je skoraj dokončal. Tako obsežen projekt, ki ima potencial celo severno Afriko spremeniti v cvetoč vrt, je brez vsakršnega centa Svetovne banke (World Bank) in Mednarodnega denarnega sklada (IMF) zelo nevarno speljati. To je bilo namreč v nasprotju s cilji mesta London, ki je želelo destabilizirati to področje, da bi uveljavilo svetovno diktaturo koncernov. 01. septembra leta 2010, je bilo po 30 letnem načrtovanju in gradnji, v obratovanje mogoče prevzeti prvi veliki del tega projekta. To je bilo 5 mesecev pred pričetkom velikih nemirov, torej preden bi projekt v pravem smislu besede pričel nositi sadove.

Na jugu Libije obstajajo štirje veliki rezervoarji vode (bazen Kufra, bazen Sirt, bazen Morzuk in bazen Hamada) v katerih je shranjeno 35.000 kubičnih kilometrov (!) vode. Če si želite ustvariti sliko velikosti teh rezervoarjev: vzemite površino Nemčije in si predstavljajte enako veliko jezero s 100 m vodne globine!

Te neizčrpne zaloge vode so za monopoliste, ki želijo monopolizirati svetovni posel z vodo, veliko bolj pomembne kot libijska nafta. Kubični meter neobremenjene, izredno čiste vode, je možno načrpati z zelo nizkimi stroški, 35 Centov za kubični meter.

S prodajno ceno, ki znaša samo 2 evra/kubični meter (globalisti bodo zagotovo razvili donosne poslovne modele) se lahko vrednoti vrednost teh vodnih rezervoarjev, najvišje kvalitete, na 58 bilijard (58.999.000.000.000,-) evrov!

S tem projektom bi Libija ustvarila resnično "zeleno revolucijo" in bi tako lahko prevzela oskrbo Afrike z živili. Predvsem bi ta projekt Libijo in severno Afriko osvobodil izpod krempljev Mednarodnega denarnega sklada in ju naredil neodvisni. Samooskrba? Žgečkljiva beseda za bančne in kartelske koncerne, ki so v preteklosti tudi že blokirali prekop Jonglei na belem Nilu na jugu Sudana tako, da je CIA zanetila secesijske vojne v južnem Sudanu. Globalisti stavijo raje na drage naprave za razsoljevanje, ki jih seveda financirajo preko Svetovne banke in zgradijo preko svojih koncernov.

Projekt ozelenitve puščave Jardinah in Salug blizu obale južno od Bengaze. Tu leži nekaj dobro namakanih in izredno velikih kmetij v sami puščavi. Namakajo se z uporabo vode iz "Projekta velike reke zgrajene s strani velikega človeka". Ta projekt črpa vodo iz velikih vodnih podzemnih rezervoarjev pod puščavo. Dve največji kmetiji ležita blizu Kufre v centralno vzhodni puščavi in pri Makunsah-u, ki leži 50 kilometrov južno od sredine kompleksa jezera Germa. Te kmetije imajo povsem drugačno mikroklimo od okoliške puščave.

20.03. leta 2009 je bilo možno prebrati v Maghreb poročilih:

"Libijski oficirji so na 5-tem svetovnem forumu o vodi, v Istanbulu, prvič predstavili projekt za pridobivanje pitne vode, ki je bil ocenjen na 33 milijard dolarjev. Projekt je bil označen kot osmo svetovno čudo in je predvideval izgradnjo umetne reke, ki bi lahko oskrbela prebivalstvo severne Libije s pitno vodo. Dela na tem projektu so se po naročilu voditelja Muammara Gaddafija izvajala od leta 1980. 2/3 projekta se je že dokončalo. Gre za 4.000 kilometrov dolg vodovod, ki črpa puščavsko podtalnico preko libijske sahare na sever. Raziskave so pokazale, da je bil ta projekt stroškovno bolj ugoden od druge alternative. O tem je poročal odgovorni za menedžment s podtalnico, Fawzi al Sharief Saeid.

Po izračunih zadoščajo vodne zaloge za do 4.860 let, če bi jih države, ki imajo s tem korist kot so Libija, Sudan, Čad in Egipt uporabljale, kot je bilo predvideno."

Ste že slišali o tem? Ali morda berete Maghreb poročila? Zakaj na zahodu o tem izvemo tako malo? Na otvoritveni slovesnosti je povedal Gaddafi, da je ta projekt "največji odgovor Ameriki, ki nas obtožuje terorizma". Tudi Mubarak je bil velik privrženec tega projekta.

Viri: