* * *
Son: "Dad, this boy in school keeps calling me gay..."
Dad: "Then why don't you just beat him up!"
Son: "Cause he's cute..."
* * *
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
* * *
Job Interview Of 2012:
"What are your skills?"
"Speed texting, procrastination, and sarcasm."
* * *
Bees are a good example of Karma; once they sting someone… they die.
* * *
Got to China on honey moon and get intimate. Tell your child they were "Made in China"
* * *
I am not single, I’m romantically challenged
* * *
Facebook is modern way of having imaginary friends.
* * *
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
* * *
Age is just a number… yeah, and jail is just a room.
* * *
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.
* * *
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
* * *
The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.
* * *
Genius idea: Homeless man with a sign that said:
"Bet you can’t hit me with a quarter!"
* * *
When someone says, “Expect the unexpected,” I like to punch them in the face to express my disagreement.
* * *
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said:
“Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
I said:
“I am.”
* * *
You know what's odd?
Every other number.
* * *
roses are red.
violets are red.
bushes are red.
my garden is on fire.
* * *
Buy hamster. Name it virginity. Lose hamster. Close enough.
* * *
I'm not flirting, I'm just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive.
* * *
The origin of the word Boob:
B = the arial view.
oo = the front view.
b = the side view.
Vir - Twitter:
@Rhodes411
@itsWillyFerrell
@Autocorrects
@laughbook
@funnyevil
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