Vicoteka #333

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!



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More women than men received a PhD last year proving that girls are thinker. I mean more thinky. Thoughtfuller.

Look at my boobs!



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I can't believe "strap on" backwards is "no parts". That's literally the most ironic thing in the world.



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The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate "fuck you" to trees.



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I remembered my wedding anniversary today.

It was last week.



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Me and my mates were playing poker for drugs.

I won the pot.



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Don't play with a woman's heart, she only has one. Play with her boobs, she's got two of those.



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What's the worst thing to do to a blind person? Leave the toilet plunger in the toilet.



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When a Facebook friend says their hamster died it takes al of my power not to comment
"Did they fall asleep at the wheel"?



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I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.




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Vicoteka #332

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.






 I did nazi that conclusion coming, Anne Frankly, I like it!






"I have a friend who's Muslim. He knows the Quran back to front...which is handy, because that's how you read it."

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Reading Rainbow - Jimmy Fallon as Jim Morrison

Original:


Cover by "The Doors" (Jimmy Fallon)





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Kravata za na šiht

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Vicoteka #331

My mum has been diagnosed with Alzheimers so we told her to organise her own surprise birthday party this year.

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A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I told her to check Republic.

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Učiteljica: "Povejte vsak eno kratko zgodbico z naukom na koncu!"

Mojca: "Moj dedek je nesel jajca v košari, pa se je spotaknil, košara mu je padla na tla in vsa jajca so se razbila."

Učiteljica: "Dobro, in kakšen je nauk?"

"Nikoli ne nosi vseh jajc v eni košari!"

Jožek: "Moj ata je imel v inkubatorju 10000 jajc in je že vnaprej prodal 10000 mladih piščancev, potem pa se jih je izvalilo samo 8000."

Učiteljica: "In nauk?"

"Nikoli ne prodajaj piščancev, preden se izvalijo."

Janezek: "Moj stric Franc je bil v Tujski legiji. Nekoč so leteli z letalom in se je pokvarilo. Moral je izskočiti s padalom in s seboj je uspel vzeti samo brzostrelko, mačeto in liter šnopsa. Med padanjem je popil ves šnops. Ko je pristal, ga je napadel cel bataljon črncev. Najprej jih je 50 postrelil z brzostrelko. Ko mu je zmanjkalo nabojev, jih je še 20 posekal z mačeto, ko se je zlomila, je pa še preostalih 10 pokončal z golimi rokami."

Učiteljica požre slino, se odkašlja in zajame sapo: "In kaj bi tu bil nauk zgodbe?"

"Nikoli se ne zajebavaj s stricem Francem, kadar se napije."

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Papež Frančišek zahteva od svojih kardinalov, škofov in ostalih popolno skromnost.

Pa vpraša nadškof Stres kardinala Rodeta, kaj bo naredil s svojim avtom Marcedes AMG 55.

Kardinal Rode odgovarja:

“Avto sem že prepisal na sina.”

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Black humor is like pair of legs. Not everyone has it.

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How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?

When you start asking your wife for sex.

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Sjede Mujo i Haso u kafani i piju, pa nakon pete rakije povedu razgovor o muško-ženskim odnosima. Haso ispali:

"Meni ti moja Habiba stalno prigovara da više nema džentlmena među muškarcima..."

Mujo odmahne glavom:

"Jok, bolan, nije istina, evo ja neki dan držao Fati kišobran da ne pokisne!"

Haso zadivljeno upita:

"Kada?"

Mujo otpije i odgovori:

"Kad je mijenjala gumu kod Doboja."

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