I've just found him dead in the toilet.
* * *
I got a 'Final Warning' letter from the bank today.
Thank fuck for that. I didn't think they would ever stop bothering me.
* * *
I've never asked a rhetorical question.
How cool is that?
* * *
Cop, looks at license:
“Says here you need glasses.”
Me:
“I have contacts.”
Cop:
“I don't care who you know, you're not getting out of this one.”
* * *
My wife says that I am a terrible racist. She is a fucking liar, I am an excellent racist.
* * *
Chuck Norris won the lifetime achievement award. Twice.
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