* * *
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
"Robin, get in the Batmobile."
* * *
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
* * *
What's green and has wheels? Grass,.. I lied about the wheels.
* * *
What's yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
* * *
What did Christopher Colombus say to his men before they got on the ship?
"Men, get on the ship."
* * *
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.
* * *
How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.
* * *
What has eyes but can't see? A blind person.
* * *
A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says:
"So what will it be this time?"
The penguin doesn't answer because it's a fuckin penguin.
* * *
What's black and white and red all over? A zebra that has been shot, because poaching is quite common in many African savannas.
* * *
Why did Grandpa climb the telephone pole with a backpack full of bananas? He has a terrible illness and is slowly losing touch with reality.
* * *
What do you call a 2-foot angry Scotsman named Max? Max.
* * *
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
* * *
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart,
but the very next day,
your body rejected the transplant and you died.
* * *
Why didn't the skeleton go to the disco? He was buried under 6ft of solid earth.
* * *
What's worse than stubbing your toe? Breaking your spine and being unable to walk for the rest of your life.
* * *
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender stands speechless due to the ridiculousness of the given situation.
* * *
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.
* * *
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.
* * *
Why did the mushroom go to the party? It didn't. Do you know why? Because it's a fucking mushroom.
* * *
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? One is a person of Jewish descent and the other is a device for traversing waterways.
* * *
What's black and always in the back of a police car? The seat.
* * *
When scuba diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat? Because if you fell forward, you'd still be in the boat.
* * *
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
* * *
How do you get the attention of a group of Mexicans? You say, "Excuse me, can I have your attention please?"
* * *
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? I don't know. He couldn't open it.
* * *
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
* * *
Yo momma's so fat, there's a strong chance of her developing type 2 diabetes.
* * *
How do you get 100 midgets into a Mini? You have to manufacture a Mini large enough to accommodate 100 midgets.
* * *
You know you're fucked when you have a penis in your vagina.
* * *
I really can't stand when I have two broken legs.
* * *
What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist.
* * *
"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains."
"That's the least of your worries. You're HIV positive."
* * *
What do you call a pig that can do karate? An unlikely scenario.
* * *
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A genetically unstable animal that dies shortly after birth.
* * *
Yo momma's so fat, that she should consider changing her diet and exercising more often.
* * *
Why was the little boy upset? He was on fire.
* * *
Where do cows go at the weekend? The slaughterhouse.
* * *
What did the duck say to the rabbit? Quack.
* * *
How did the fat guy survive the airplane crash? He didn't. He died, just like everyone else.
* * *
Knock knock. Come in.
* * *
Check this one out: 1
* * *
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.
* * *
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
* * *
What's black and hangs from a rope in my backyard? A tire swing.
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