* * *
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.
* * *
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
---
četrtek, 26. julij 2012
Vicoteka #236
Yo momma's so ugly, that she often finds it difficult attracting members of the opposite sex.
* * *
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.
* * *
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
---
* * *
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intents.
* * *
You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.
---
ponedeljek, 23. julij 2012
Vicoteka #235
A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
* * *
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
"Robin, get in the Batmobile."
* * *
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
* * *
What's green and has wheels? Grass,.. I lied about the wheels.
* * *
What's yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
* * *
What did Christopher Colombus say to his men before they got on the ship?
"Men, get on the ship."
* * *
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.
* * *
How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.
* * *
What has eyes but can't see? A blind person.
* * *
A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says:
"So what will it be this time?"
The penguin doesn't answer because it's a fuckin penguin.
* * *
What's black and white and red all over? A zebra that has been shot, because poaching is quite common in many African savannas.
* * *
Why did Grandpa climb the telephone pole with a backpack full of bananas? He has a terrible illness and is slowly losing touch with reality.
* * *
What do you call a 2-foot angry Scotsman named Max? Max.
* * *
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
* * *
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart,
but the very next day,
your body rejected the transplant and you died.
* * *
Why didn't the skeleton go to the disco? He was buried under 6ft of solid earth.
* * *
What's worse than stubbing your toe? Breaking your spine and being unable to walk for the rest of your life.
* * *
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender stands speechless due to the ridiculousness of the given situation.
* * *
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.
* * *
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.
* * *
Why did the mushroom go to the party? It didn't. Do you know why? Because it's a fucking mushroom.
* * *
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? One is a person of Jewish descent and the other is a device for traversing waterways.
* * *
What's black and always in the back of a police car? The seat.
* * *
When scuba diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat? Because if you fell forward, you'd still be in the boat.
* * *
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
* * *
How do you get the attention of a group of Mexicans? You say, "Excuse me, can I have your attention please?"
* * *
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? I don't know. He couldn't open it.
* * *
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
* * *
Yo momma's so fat, there's a strong chance of her developing type 2 diabetes.
* * *
How do you get 100 midgets into a Mini? You have to manufacture a Mini large enough to accommodate 100 midgets.
* * *
You know you're fucked when you have a penis in your vagina.
* * *
I really can't stand when I have two broken legs.
* * *
What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist.
* * *
"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains."
"That's the least of your worries. You're HIV positive."
* * *
What do you call a pig that can do karate? An unlikely scenario.
* * *
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A genetically unstable animal that dies shortly after birth.
* * *
Yo momma's so fat, that she should consider changing her diet and exercising more often.
* * *
Why was the little boy upset? He was on fire.
* * *
Where do cows go at the weekend? The slaughterhouse.
* * *
What did the duck say to the rabbit? Quack.
* * *
How did the fat guy survive the airplane crash? He didn't. He died, just like everyone else.
* * *
Knock knock. Come in.
* * *
Check this one out: 1
* * *
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.
* * *
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
* * *
What's black and hangs from a rope in my backyard? A tire swing.
--
* * *
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
"Robin, get in the Batmobile."
* * *
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
* * *
What's green and has wheels? Grass,.. I lied about the wheels.
* * *
What's yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
* * *
What did Christopher Colombus say to his men before they got on the ship?
"Men, get on the ship."
* * *
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a loaf of bread.
* * *
How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.
* * *
What has eyes but can't see? A blind person.
* * *
A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says:
"So what will it be this time?"
The penguin doesn't answer because it's a fuckin penguin.
* * *
What's black and white and red all over? A zebra that has been shot, because poaching is quite common in many African savannas.
* * *
Why did Grandpa climb the telephone pole with a backpack full of bananas? He has a terrible illness and is slowly losing touch with reality.
* * *
What do you call a 2-foot angry Scotsman named Max? Max.
* * *
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
* * *
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart,
but the very next day,
your body rejected the transplant and you died.
* * *
Why didn't the skeleton go to the disco? He was buried under 6ft of solid earth.
* * *
What's worse than stubbing your toe? Breaking your spine and being unable to walk for the rest of your life.
* * *
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender stands speechless due to the ridiculousness of the given situation.
* * *
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common? Both are not a lamp.
* * *
What's the similarity between a bird and a turtle? They can both fly. Except for the turtle.
* * *
Why did the mushroom go to the party? It didn't. Do you know why? Because it's a fucking mushroom.
* * *
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? One is a person of Jewish descent and the other is a device for traversing waterways.
* * *
What's black and always in the back of a police car? The seat.
* * *
When scuba diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat? Because if you fell forward, you'd still be in the boat.
* * *
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.
* * *
How do you get the attention of a group of Mexicans? You say, "Excuse me, can I have your attention please?"
* * *
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? I don't know. He couldn't open it.
* * *
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
* * *
Yo momma's so fat, there's a strong chance of her developing type 2 diabetes.
* * *
How do you get 100 midgets into a Mini? You have to manufacture a Mini large enough to accommodate 100 midgets.
* * *
You know you're fucked when you have a penis in your vagina.
* * *
I really can't stand when I have two broken legs.
* * *
What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist.
* * *
"Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains."
"That's the least of your worries. You're HIV positive."
* * *
What do you call a pig that can do karate? An unlikely scenario.
* * *
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A genetically unstable animal that dies shortly after birth.
* * *
Yo momma's so fat, that she should consider changing her diet and exercising more often.
* * *
Why was the little boy upset? He was on fire.
* * *
Where do cows go at the weekend? The slaughterhouse.
* * *
What did the duck say to the rabbit? Quack.
* * *
How did the fat guy survive the airplane crash? He didn't. He died, just like everyone else.
* * *
Knock knock. Come in.
* * *
Check this one out: 1
* * *
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The horse, unable to speak English, shits on the floor and leaves.
* * *
What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
* * *
What's black and hangs from a rope in my backyard? A tire swing.
--
nedelja, 22. julij 2012
sobota, 14. julij 2012
četrtek, 12. julij 2012
sreda, 11. julij 2012
Vicoteka #234
- Halo, je l' to "Vodovod"?
- Pogrešili ste gospodine, ovo je "Elektrodistribucija".
- Nema veze. I vama jebem mater!
--
- Pogrešili ste gospodine, ovo je "Elektrodistribucija".
- Nema veze. I vama jebem mater!
--
torek, 10. julij 2012
petek, 6. julij 2012
Vicoteka #233
Ženske je v življenju sram 4x:
1. ko prvič dajo
2. ko prvič varajo moža
3. ko prvič za to dobijo denar
4. ko prvič za to same dajo denar
* * *
Moške je v življenju sram samo 2x:
1. prvič, ko ne morejo še drugič
2. drugič, ko ne morejo niti več prvič
* * *
Ni pomembno, da se mi danes nič ne da; važno je, da se mi nič ne vzame!!
* * *
Ko je Bog ustvarjal ženam može ... je ženam obljubil, da bodo lahko
dobre in idealne može našle v čisto vsakem kotu sveta.
...In potem je naredil Zemljo okroglo.
* * *
Znanstveno je dokazano, da je ženska zadovoljna že z dolžino 8,5 cm. Vseeno pa je ali je Visa ali Mastercard.
* * *
Če bi ženske vladale svetu, ne bi bilo vojn. Samo kup ljubosumnih držav, ki se ne bi pogovarjale med seboj.
* * *
Otroci na zadnjih sedežih povzročajo nesreče.
Nesreče na zadnjih sedežih povzročajo otroke.
* * *
Prijatelji so zato, če imaš slab dan, greš in ga pokvariš še njim.
* * *
Prodam hišo s pogledom v prihodnost. ŠIFRA: Zraven pokopališča
* * *
Ne prepiraj se z idiotom. Potegnil te bo na svoj nivo in te premagal z izkušnjami.
* * *
Svetloba potuje hitreje kot zvok. Zato nekateri izgledajo pametno, dokler ne spregovorijo.
* * *
Večerne novice se začnejo z 'dober večer', nato sledi razlaga, zakaj to ne drži.
* * *
Če se ti zdi, da nikomur ni mar, če obstajaš, poskusi zamujati s plačili.
* * *
Ali ste vedeli, da so delfini tako pametni, da po nekaj tednih v ujetništvu naučijo ljudi stati ob bazenu in metati ribe?
* * *
Kako lahko ena samcata vžigalica povzroči gozdni požar, če pa potrebujemo celo škatlico, da lahko zanetimo taborni ogenj?
* * *
Ženske ne bodo nikoli enakopravne moškim, dokler ne bodo sposobne hoditi po ulici plešaste in s pivskim vampom ter vseeno misliti, da so seksi.
* * *
Zakaj ljudje takoj verjamejo, če jim poveš, da je zvezd štiri bilijone, če pa rečeš, da se barva še ni posušila, pa morajo preveriti?
* * *
Golenica je naprava za iskanje pohištva v temi.
* * *
Čista vest je ponavadi znak slabega spomina.
* * *
Vedno si sposodi denar od pesimista. Ne bo pričakoval, da mu ga vrneš.
* * *
Diplomat je tisti, ki te lahko pošlje k vragu na takšen način, da se že veseliš potovanja.
* * *
"Veš, tako neumna sem bila, ko sem se poročila s tabo."
"Vem, ampak sem bil zaljubljen, pa nisem opazil."
--
1. ko prvič dajo
2. ko prvič varajo moža
3. ko prvič za to dobijo denar
4. ko prvič za to same dajo denar
* * *
Moške je v življenju sram samo 2x:
1. prvič, ko ne morejo še drugič
2. drugič, ko ne morejo niti več prvič
* * *
Ni pomembno, da se mi danes nič ne da; važno je, da se mi nič ne vzame!!
* * *
Ko je Bog ustvarjal ženam može ... je ženam obljubil, da bodo lahko
dobre in idealne može našle v čisto vsakem kotu sveta.
...In potem je naredil Zemljo okroglo.
* * *
Znanstveno je dokazano, da je ženska zadovoljna že z dolžino 8,5 cm. Vseeno pa je ali je Visa ali Mastercard.
* * *
Če bi ženske vladale svetu, ne bi bilo vojn. Samo kup ljubosumnih držav, ki se ne bi pogovarjale med seboj.
* * *
Otroci na zadnjih sedežih povzročajo nesreče.
Nesreče na zadnjih sedežih povzročajo otroke.
* * *
Prijatelji so zato, če imaš slab dan, greš in ga pokvariš še njim.
* * *
Prodam hišo s pogledom v prihodnost. ŠIFRA: Zraven pokopališča
* * *
Ne prepiraj se z idiotom. Potegnil te bo na svoj nivo in te premagal z izkušnjami.
* * *
Svetloba potuje hitreje kot zvok. Zato nekateri izgledajo pametno, dokler ne spregovorijo.
* * *
Večerne novice se začnejo z 'dober večer', nato sledi razlaga, zakaj to ne drži.
* * *
Če se ti zdi, da nikomur ni mar, če obstajaš, poskusi zamujati s plačili.
* * *
Ali ste vedeli, da so delfini tako pametni, da po nekaj tednih v ujetništvu naučijo ljudi stati ob bazenu in metati ribe?
* * *
Kako lahko ena samcata vžigalica povzroči gozdni požar, če pa potrebujemo celo škatlico, da lahko zanetimo taborni ogenj?
* * *
Ženske ne bodo nikoli enakopravne moškim, dokler ne bodo sposobne hoditi po ulici plešaste in s pivskim vampom ter vseeno misliti, da so seksi.
* * *
Zakaj ljudje takoj verjamejo, če jim poveš, da je zvezd štiri bilijone, če pa rečeš, da se barva še ni posušila, pa morajo preveriti?
* * *
Golenica je naprava za iskanje pohištva v temi.
* * *
Čista vest je ponavadi znak slabega spomina.
* * *
Vedno si sposodi denar od pesimista. Ne bo pričakoval, da mu ga vrneš.
* * *
Diplomat je tisti, ki te lahko pošlje k vragu na takšen način, da se že veseliš potovanja.
* * *
"Veš, tako neumna sem bila, ko sem se poročila s tabo."
"Vem, ampak sem bil zaljubljen, pa nisem opazil."
--
četrtek, 5. julij 2012
Vicoteka #232
Na nudistični plaži
Mamica in očka gresta na plažo za nudiste. S seboj vzameta tudi 6-letnega sinka.
Ko gre sinek po obali opazi, da imajo nekatere ženske večje prsi, kot mamica in jo vpraša zakaj.
Mamica mu odgovori:
"Večje kot so, bolj je oseba neumna."
Sinek, zadovoljen z odgovorom, se gre igrat v morje.
Vendar se kmalu vrne k mamici in pove, da imajo nekateri moski večje, kot očka.
Mamica mu odgovori:
"Večji kot je, bolj je oseba neumna."
Sinek, spet zadovoljen z odgovorom se gre igrat nazaj v morje.
Po krajsem času priteče iz vode k mamici in reče:
"Očka se pogovarja z najbolj neumno žensko na obali; in bolj kot se pogovarja, bolj neumn postaja!"
Mamica in očka gresta na plažo za nudiste. S seboj vzameta tudi 6-letnega sinka.
Ko gre sinek po obali opazi, da imajo nekatere ženske večje prsi, kot mamica in jo vpraša zakaj.
Mamica mu odgovori:
"Večje kot so, bolj je oseba neumna."
Sinek, zadovoljen z odgovorom, se gre igrat v morje.
Vendar se kmalu vrne k mamici in pove, da imajo nekateri moski večje, kot očka.
Mamica mu odgovori:
"Večji kot je, bolj je oseba neumna."
Sinek, spet zadovoljen z odgovorom se gre igrat nazaj v morje.
Po krajsem času priteče iz vode k mamici in reče:
"Očka se pogovarja z najbolj neumno žensko na obali; in bolj kot se pogovarja, bolj neumn postaja!"
--
sreda, 4. julij 2012
Objava nekega prfoksa iz ekonomske na FB
Priprave na maturo iz ekonomije bodo jutri ob 9.45-11.30 (reševanje poskusne mature, glede na to, da vas večine danes ni bilo) in potem od 11.30 naprej. Za tiste, ki imate težave s konceptom danes in jutri: danes je ponedeljek, jutri pa torek. Se pravi, danes bi morali priti ob 8.45, pa niste, jutri (v torek) pa pridete ob 9.45. Povedano drugače, enkrat greste spat in potem pridete v šolo. Če ne hodite spat (priporočljivo v času mature) se orientirajte takole: če je zunaj tema, ko berete ta mail, potem pridite v šolo ko bo naslednjič svetlo. Če je pa zunaj svetlo, potem je pa bolj komplicirano. Če gledate mail danes, potem pridete v šolo jutri. Če pa boste pogledali mail šele jutri, potem morate v šolo priti danes. Če ste v dilemi, lahko pridite v šolo takoj, kampirate pred zbornico in počakate, da pridem mimo.
--
Vicoteka #231
"Pedofil dobio 5 miliona funti na lutriji."
Na pitanje šta će uraditi sa nagradom, dobitnik je odgovorio:
"Renoviraćemo kapelu."
--
Na pitanje šta će uraditi sa nagradom, dobitnik je odgovorio:
"Renoviraćemo kapelu."
--
torek, 3. julij 2012
ponedeljek, 2. julij 2012
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